Friday, June 26, 2009

Going On Holiday.........but not Argentina!!!!

It’s my Wedding Anniversary so I’m going to take some time off. I’m thinking about going on a trip. Maybe if Citizen Wifey acts right I’ll take her with me….ha ha ha ha. Okay Okay…you know Citizen Wifey is going too. These are just jokes people!!!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thank you and may you finally be at peace

The voice of late night (Ed McMahon), the actress/bombshell (Farrah Fawcett) and the greatest entertainer of all time (Michael Jackson) passed away this week.

I think the biggest shock to everyone was Michael Jackson. He was only 50 years-old. I thank him for giving us timeless music that generations will enjoy. May he finally be at peace and rid of all of the name calling and judging. Thank you Michael.

-Citizen Wifey


Looking at black radio within the United States many people seemed to forget exactly how Black radio assisted the recording artists and independent labels. In the beginning Black radio was concerned about the health and growth of independent Black owned labels and worked closely with them, at times in complete partnership, to create events, shows, in stores and remote broadcasts benefitting both parties. As revenues grew and more stations became popular the attitude of owners, sales people and eventually disc jockeys became more and more financially directed. What once was partnership creating revenue for both sides became a mandatory free show, promotion, in store or event FOR the station. Disk jockeys became PIMP jockeys and wanted money in advance of hearing the music that was offered to them for possible airplay. Research techniques were initiated to offer “scientific” excuses for not playing a song, while new systems were put in place to make the journey to the radio station more difficult.

~ Music Specialist Allen Johnston from

Most of the music I listen to these days isn’t played on black radio. The Rap they play these days is the worst piece of crap you ever heard. How many women that look like strippers (or they might actually be strippers working before they go to their night jobs) can you put in a video? And how many dances can a person come up with for a song? The R&B now is no better. No romance in the music whatsoever.

This is an actual chorus to a song:

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
I've been feenin' Wake up in the late night...dreamin' about your lovin'
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Don't need candles or cake just need your body to make good
Birthday sex Birthday sex
It's the best day of the year, girl
Birthday sex Birthday sex
It feels like, feels like... lemme hit that...g-spot g-spot

And people want to know why I don’t want to have a daughter. I don’t want this guy trying to get into my house!!! No wonder people in middle school RIGHT NOW know more about sex than when I was in middle school BACK THEN. If I ever want to try something new with my wife in bed, I will make sure to stop by Kennedy Middle School for some pointers.

So I mostly listen to my I-Pod and NPR. I think the destruction of black radio is a sad state of affairs. Is it a calculated orchestrated plot? I’m not ready to buy into that one yet. We caused some of this destruction on ourselves (yes we did black folk!!!). Either way we are now going to reap what we have sowed. But all is not lost. This is the time for black folks to think outside the box. With Satellite Radio and Internet Radio we don’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop. And hopefully this time we can make it what we want instead of letting someone else tell us what to do. The worst thing that ever happened to Rap was when studio executives started telling black folks how to be black.

Article: Black Radio Speaks with Forked Tongue

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Wealthy Black on Black Ignorance

Thanks to the folks at Essence for this one.

Apparently some black folks from Martha's Vineyard are upset with the Obama's pending vacation there. (READ HERE).

I would prefer to crack jokes on Gov. Mark Sanford but when I hear things like this it pisses me off. If the Obama's were to ask me, I would tell them to save their money and go to Charleston.

Funding the Movement on a shoestring budget.

Radio and Television host Tavis Smiley is the Nationwide spokesperson for the “On Your Side Tour.” He will be talking about Financial Planning to African American audiences. That’s something positive that we can all get behind. I know that Tavis has soured on a lot of folk because of his greasy 2008 Election talk. He slipped up by trying to be the spokes person for black folks. My Generation and the ones after us have come to realize a few things. We don’t need anyone speaking for us!! (uh oh!! I think I upset some folks) Black folks are not a monolithic race. We do ourselves a disservice when we ask for and expect people to speak for us. I don’t have a problem with Tavis, Dr. Cornell West and Dr. Eric Michael Dyson (keep a dictionary near you when he is talking). I don’t agree with everything that they say but I don’t wish for their silence. They were supposed to be a contrast to the black politicians we have out here. They were billed (or they billed themselves) as anti establishment. They were going to be our modern day Paul Robeson’s, Malcolm X’s, Marcus Garvey’s and Medgar Evers. They were going to keep the establishment honest like Frederick Douglass did Dishonest Abe (yeah I said it!!). But we now realize that being on the outside is a hard thing. Freedom Fighters don’t retire and move to South Beach (they end up dead, living in Africa or laying on the low in South America).

These days to push your agenda you will need to be well funded. So why not hook up with Nationwide to help tell black folks how to save money? Nationwide is a reputable company that services a lot of folks……..uh oh!!!....I have a report just in from the news room. What? Oh, okay. Scratch what I just said about Nationwide being reputable. Nationwide Insurance led survivors of Hurricane Katrina to believe they were covered from hurricane damage. Say it ain’t so Tavis? Tell me that this is a mistake. Tell me that this is a trick by the Republicans to throw salt in your game. Tell me that Nationwide isn’t involved in lawsuits with Katrina victims. I wonder how many of those individuals were African Americans? People thought it was bad when you had Wells Fargo as a sponsor of your State of the Black Union. They are being investigated and sued (in some states) for giving out bad loans to black folks. How can the slave fight against the slave master when they are working for the slave master (try saying that fast 5 times). I know if we comb through different corporations some will have shaky backgrounds. They will have done things that have hurt minorities and minority communities. If it deals with Finance, there is a good chance they might have screwed someone of color. I’m not telling Tavis to get Trojan Condoms (reputable company since the 1920’s that I have yet to hear about in bad dealings with black folks –actually most black folks I know speak highly of the company..or its product at least) to sponsor his functions. But he does need to make sure he is doing business with people that share his agenda. I’m all for keeping people accountable and that includes me being accountable as well. And I expect the same from Tavis Smiley.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Can Daddy get his due? After today you will have 364 days to take your aggression out on the deadbeats!!!

Citizen Wifey was on Facebook today (as she always is) and people were making comments about Fathers Day. One comment in particular really bothered me. I wish I could remember the exact words but it went like this: “shout out to all the fathers and the single mothers that have taken the fathers places because they are slack, not around etc etc.” I was a regular beat down dad day on Facebook.

(Disclaimer – not the actual quote but it is close enough to where you get the point)
What I’m getting ready to say will probably offend single mothers, and folks raised by single mothers. That statement was crass and unnecessary. It was a needless swipe at suspect fathers on a day we celebrate the good ones. I know that we have dead beat dads walking around here. But one the flip side we have dead beat mommas walking around too. But this is the day we celebrate the best of our men. This is their day and it’s not to be shared with anyone else (sorry momma). And it’s not for someone to lump in the sorry rascals that they know.
On Mother’s day the whole day was dedicated to momma, grandmamma and sometimes auntie too. Momma got a nice card, dinner and a gift. Daddy didn’t try to get in on the action. He knew his day was coming and he would wait patiently. So Daddy waited for his day and what did he get? A raggedy card from 7 Eleven, Burnt Toast and Runny Eggs, and soap on a rope as a gift. To top it off he opened up his Face Book to see a combined shout out with momma and a swipe at no good men. Listen ladies, I know some of you are upset with the men in your lives. I know you got beef with your Father, the Father of your children, your Boyfriend etc. But there are some good men out here that need to be acknowledged. Can they get one day of love????

Friday, June 19, 2009

Story Time: The Great Tobacco Road Hookup

Some Big wigs at North Carolina State University created a position for Mary Easley. Mary Easley is the wife of “then” Governor of North Carolina Mike Easley. An investigation into the position led to documents showing a link between former Gov. Easley and the NC State job. Before everything was said and done her salary totaled $170,000 a year. The media ended up getting involved and that was the beginning of the end. Mary Easley resigned from her job and the chancellor of NC State resigned as well (i.e. one of the Big Wigs that helped land her the gig). But not to worry……former Gov. Easley skated out of office before any of this came to light. And Mary Easley is not going to end up in jail. It is a happy ending after all.

I hope you enjoyed this story. It was brought to you by The Good ol' boy Network. Hooking up the privileged for years and years and years. It’s not going anywhere!!!

Idiocracy in Minnesota

Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann is talking stupid again. I believe she thinks she can follow in Sarah Palins footsteps or is that moose tracks. She wants to be a big shot in the Republican Party but I don’t see it happening. But she always says the dumbest things (Click Here). Her latest statement deals with the 2010 Census.

Bachmann says that her family will not be filling out the 2010 Census because the Constitution doesn't require her to provide any information beyond how many people live at her residence. Huh? She had implicated ACORN as an organization that will be involved in obtaining Census data. ACORN, Black Women on Welfare, Affirmative Action, and Black Quarterbacks are favorite whipping posts for some Republicans. Acorn got it real bad during the 2008 election.

I was under the impression that the U.S. Government was in charge of the Census. Now President Obama is outsourcing??? First IT jobs going to India and now we can’t go door to door asking questions? Many of the claims placed against ACORN have not been proven to be accurate. Either way, Obama should keep the non partisan Census and the ACORN organization separate. But that doesn’t mean you give the census takers a hard time when they show up at your door. This woman is an elected official and she talks out the side of her mouth constantly. Citizens of Minnesota….is this the best you have to offer politically?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wait Till I get my Money Right: Difference #37 between PWI's and HBCU's

Over 200 Alabama University student-athletes used their scholarships to obtain free textbooks for other students. The NCAA has identified athletes in football, women’s track and field, softball, baseball, gymnastics, women’s basketball, soccer, volleyball, swimming, tennis and men’s and women’s golf. This would not have happened at an HBCU (Historically Black Colleges and Universities). Don’t get me wrong because we would have taken advantage of the scholarships like Alabama. But there would have been a big difference in how the books were distributed. We would not have given away books for free. We would have charged students for them.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Thank You Very Much Virginia!!!!

Good bye Terry R. McAuliffe - Hello Creigh Deeds. My home state has done me proud. I’m happy they have rejected the last residue of the Clinton Administration. I know I said I buried the hatchet (my one man beef against the Clinton Machine) a few months ago. But I gotta dig it up for this one last parting shot. Really I don’t want to bury it but Citizen Momma told me to. Black men and their mothers yada yada yada….

FRONTLINE: Breaking the Bank

I watched this special last night and it was very informative. It showed Bank of America's ill-advised pursuit of Merrill Lynch. It did reaffirm one thing for me. That John Thain is the biggest liar this side of the Hemisphere.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Fake Beefs are so Passe.

Exploiting Bristol as an unwed teen mother didn’t stop with the campaign. Back in Wasilla, where Bristol could have been sheltered and given space to rebuild her life, the Palins arranged to send her out like a vaudeville act, traveling the country to talk about teenage pregnancy under the sponsorship of Candie’s, a clothing company known for sexually provocative outfits for tweens. The Bristol “do as I say tour” had a rocky start once she admitted that abstinence was not “realistic”—apparently she was against it before she was for it. Note to mom: When you become the ambivalent poster child for unwed motherhood, you attract off-color jokes.

~Margaret Carlson, Contributor to The Daily Beast & Columnist for Bloomberg News.

Last week America was subjected to a fake media beef involving Governor Sarah Palin and David Letterman. I like David Letterman because of his sarcastic humor. I don’t like Sarah Palin because she is Sarah Palin. I do agree that Letterman crossed the line with that joke about Palin’s daughter. But I don’t believe that he was talking about her younger daughter. I do believe he was talking about Bristol Palin (aka Levi Johnston’s baby momma). She is the only one that is sexually active (that we know of). After looking at Levi’s Facebook I knew he was hitting it. A guy like that doesn’t date virgins. Anyway…I’m all for leaving peoples children off the firing lines. So I will call a flag on David Letterman for aggressive on the field behavior. But I need to throw a flag on Sarah Palin for overexposure. She is going to ride this horse until it turns into glue. She is on radio and television crying about the injustice of it all. Someone should tell her that the line for complaints goes around the block (Native Americans are at the head). She ended the week by basically calling Letterman a pervert. Wow!! Really? Sarah Palin tries too hard to fit into the perceived mode of Republican presidential candidate. With the “Browning” of “Aging” of America the Republicans need to get a new shtick. Palin is trying to run on a 1980’s agenda and it shows every time she opens her mouth. The absolute worst part of this “Fake Beef” is her defenders. They are just as annoying as she is.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Introducing: The Fortitude Factor

Entrepreneur Nicole Balaam has written her first book: The Fortitude Factor.

The book can now be purchased from her web site You can also order the book on after July 11th. The book lays out the blueprint for putting dreams into action and making the impossible possible. I’m excited about this book because my girl Traci Benjamin is in it. She is one of 5 individuals talking about their life experiences and how they found their Fortitude Factor. Ms. Benjamin is also an Emmy Award Winning Television Producer. If you are looking for a book to read this summer please check this out. I’m not just saying this because I went to college with Nicole and Traci. Or because my wife is their sorority sister and Traci was on line with her. But for the past 2 months I have been highlighting entrepreneurs on my blog. I believe that supporting family owned/operated businesses is good for the economy. You keep the entrepreneurs employed and eventually they will hire people to help their business. A win win scenario for everyone. Besides, in this economy who couldn’t use a little motivation?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Does Clarence Thomas know how to coach basketball? I think this job might be a good fit for him.

A basketball team with too many black players? No not the Boston Celtics…I’m talking about a high school team. These days (although stereotypical) most coaches would want black players. Former basketball coach Anthony Cheatham thinks his former employer is trying to white-out B-Ball. He has a lawsuit against one of the nation’s oldest all-dudes prep schools to prove as much. An All-Dudes (as in all boys) high school keeping out black basketball players? The NBA finals must not broadcast in Saltsburg, PA. Who is going to turn down the next MJ, or that dude that I don’t like that plays for the Lakers? Don’t get me wrong!! I’m not saying that white guys can’t play ball. It just doesn’t make sense not to recruit blacks due to the fact they are near basketball playing urban areas (i.e. Philly, NY). Some of the public schools in our urban areas are not that good. If a kid has a chance to use his jump shot to get an education, I support him 100%. That’s how you game the system (oops..let me keep that to myself). It’s going to be interesting to see where this lawsuit goes. I do wonder what Anthony Cheatham is doing in the meantime? If he is looking for a job, tell him that The University of Southern California needs a basketball coach. And trust me; they won’t have a problem with you recruiting black folks…not at all!!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

It's hard being a "Roland" in Chicago

“Roland Harper may have been a great football player but he is a terrible businessman”
~ Defense attorney Patrick J. Cotter

Former (and I really mean former – 56 years old) Chicago Bear Roland Harper was sentenced to a year of house (plus 2 years probation) arrest for being involved in a 1.5 million dollar scam. His lawyer must not have studied “Johnnie Cochran’s old cases. While under house arrest, he has to complete 200 hours of community service and pay thousands of dollars in restitution. Roland Harper arrived here because he was pimped out by Landscaper Aiden Monahan. Monahan used Harper as a front man so he could obtain minority landscaping contracts. Chicago set aside these contracts specifically for minority firms. By now you can guess what color Aiden Monahan is. So not only did Monahan game the system, he took money out of black/brown/yellow pockets. Harper’s attorney claims that Harper went into business with Monahan with good intentions. That’s what the road to Hell is paved with. I’m glad I wasn’t in the courtroom when U.S. District Court Judge John W. Darrah said this gem when ruling on this case: “This city is fraught with corruption.” I would have busted out laughing!! Harper should have told him…”Really, this city?”

Monday, June 08, 2009

Hello China Goodbye China

Big Easy Mayor Ray Nagin, has been quarantined in China while attending an economic conference. Apparently Nagin and his wife, might have been in contact with a person that was carrying the H1N1 virus (aka The Swine Flu). I know people are wishing that the Chinese would keep him but it’s probably going to be the other way around. I believe they are going to try to get him out of China as fast as they can. Once he starts talking the Chinese are going to lift restrictions and put him on the next thing smoking!!!

Sunday, June 07, 2009

I didn’t have to worry about these things at my HBCU

Hat tip to the Black Market Index for putting me on to this

It’s a shame about Chanequa Campbell. She probably thought she would receive a quality education that would change her life. But just because you go to an Ivy League school doesn’t mean that you will be accepted. Apparently Harvard has not been kind to Ms. Campbell. Campbell tried to fit into the student body. She was a member of the Black Students Association, Association of Black Harvard Women, and Harvard’s Black Community and Student Theater. Wait a minute!!! Are these groups exclusive to only black folks or can anyone join? So all the black folks at Harvard segregated themselves from the white students? Didn’t they know that white folks made up a large percentage of the university? Okay I’ll stop being facetious now. There can only be two reasons why black folks are shaky on supporting her.

1) She did it and they don’t want to be tainted by her.
2) She didn’t do it but they still don’t want to be tainted by her.

You know the really sad thing about this whole dilemma? Both reasons are sad

Friday, June 05, 2009

I hope they do you better than they did us!!!

Original article written by R. Thomas Umstead for Multichannel News

Following last year’s successful Black In America documentary series, CNN will turn its cameras on America's Latino community with the two-part documentary series Latino In America premiering in October.

CNN, which will also revisit the African-American community in July with Black In America 2, hopes to use the In America franchise to draw more attention to the struggles and triumphs of diverse communities, according to Mark Nelson, vice president and senior executive producer for CNN Productions.

“The In America brand strand gives us the opportunity to look at groups of people in America that have been misreported or in some cases neglected [by the media],” Nelson said.
Latino In America, hosted by CNN personality and Black In America host Soledad O’Brien, will focus on the growing U.S. Hispanic population and the pertinent issues that face the community.
“We found out with Black In America that many people who watched were not only black but Hispanic as well,” Nelson said. “This is the fastest-growing minority group in America today, but we don’t understand how really diverse this group is. The show focuses on how Latinos are changing America and how America is changing Latinos.”

The first part of the series will explore the lives of people across the country who share the surname “Garcia,” the eighth most popular family name in America. The second part focuses on how four different communities are meeting the challenges of disparities, immigration and discrimination in terms of language, education, citizenship, and cultural identity.
Celebrities such as Edward James Olmos, Eva Longoria Parker, Jesse Garcia and Lupe Ontiveros will also be featured in the documentary.

Nelson said CNN will create a Spanish-language version of Latino In America, although it’s unclear when and where that version will be aired.

On the Black In America 2 front, Nelson said the network will look to continue the dialogue started with last year’s inaugural Black In America series, which drew 13 million viewers. The first Black In America 2 segment, “Today’s Pioneers,” will debut July 22, with the second part, “Tomorrow’s Leaders,” airing the following evening.

“What we heard was that viewers wanted more solutions,” Nelson said. “We’ve got an economy that is sick, and it usually affects the have-nots more than the haves. But in spite of the economy, there are remarkable things that are happening out there; there are people who are taking it upon themselves to make changes, and we want to show how that’s happening.”
A third special, CNN & Essence: Reclaiming the Dream, will be tied to the African-American women’s magazine’s July Essence Music Festival in New Orleans.

As part of the Black In America 2 rollout, Nelson said CNN will launch a dedicated Web site for the franchise in June.

Nelson added that the In America franchise may also be expanded in the future to focus on other multicultural communities.

“We’re in the business of weighing the important issues of our time and the fascinating people and stories that impact those issues — that includes other cultural and ethnic groups,” said Nelson.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Television Chronicles of the Colored Intelligentsia &. The Colored Blue Collar Class

African Americans (or whatever we are being called this week) are not a monolithic race. Believe it or not but some blacks do not like Lil Wayne. And some blacks do enjoy eating Parsnips (a cousin to the carrot). One of the differences we have is with what we watch on television. I was talking to some friends (i.e. black folks) about comedy shows on television. And they actual told me that they watch “Friends”. I didn’t watch the show so I couldn’t agree or disagree. To some black folks that would be a no no in television viewing. I hear my co-workers laughing about Tyler Perry’s shows but I can’t join in on the fun. I don’t watch his t.v. shows. The comic timing and delivery of the jokes are suspect at best. Later I found out that he shoots an episode a day (that explains it all). I will try to support a black show if they are on the tube. But the bottom line should be the quality of the show. If it’s a good show, I’ll be back. If not, I’ll turn you off like “Homeboys in Outer Space”. Some blacks probably find it blasphemous that I like “30 Rock” instead of “Meet the Browns”. I’m not mad at the brother for trying to have a television empire. I just don’t see what’s so funny. Some black bloggers feel that Tyler Perry has a grievance against “white collar black folks”. They say his movies and shows try to attack “white collar” blacks early and often. Is Tyler Perry really running a wedge between us as people? Or is it just a preference thing?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Bill O'Reilly throwing shade on the Doctor’s day job.

I knew they would find a way to get Dr. Boyce Watkins. When you go on Fixed News talking greasy you run the risk of not making friends. The news gig was just a side hustle for Dr. Watkins. His day job is teaching finance at Syracuse University. You probably know him from his Youtube segments. This dude is always on Youtube talking about something. He falls into that same Dr. Cornel West, Tavis Smiley mode but with a sharper tongue. Well I guess he finally pissed off the wrong guy (or in this case the RIGHT guy). O’ Reilly has decided to take the fight to Dr Watkins. Sending folks to talk to his boss about his off work behavior. It’s like when a crazy ex comes to your job complaining about you not washing clothes.

Citizen Mother lets these jokers get her all worked up. I keep telling her that those commentators on Fox aren’t real journalists. Would Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Peter Jennings or Ron Burgundy be involved in this foolishness? Nope!!! O’Reilly has made a habit of sending people to bum rush folks. They walk up on you asking you crazy questions (the equivalent of poking someone with a stick) waiting for you to mess up. But this time, O’Reilly has hit a new low. As for Dr. Boyce, I don’t expect Syracuse University to stand up for him. Actually they might feel they don’t have to defend themselves. He is one Professor out of the many they have. Nothing good ever comes from blocking on the job!!!

My message to Roland Martin: Watch for the hook!!! I smell a set up and you’re looking like a fall guy.

Apparently CNN has hit a ratings slump. They are in a three way fight with Fox News and MSNBC. Campbell Brown fighting Keith Olbermann fighting Bill O’Reilly. Someone had to be the loser. The problem with Campbell Brown and CNN is that they don’t have a hook! Bill O’Reilly is the darling of the Extreme Right Wing. This country is full of white men that think they are getting the shaft. The Extreme Left, and most Moderates have a love affair with Keith Olbermann. Citizen Momma watches him religiously. The last white man was on t.v. that much in our house was Perry Mason. Keith’s fan base loathes George Bush. Actually I think they have beef with the wrong guy (hint hint….Dick Cheney). What does CNN have? They don’t have a person that rallies a particular base. Okay…. so they have Anderson Cooper and Larry King but what’s after that? Fox has O’Reilly, Hannity, and Beck. MSNBC has Olbermann, Maddow, Matthews and Morning Joe. And why are CNN’s minority anchors only seen on the weekend? But I digress….

Roland Martin, I can smell it coming. They are going to blame you for the ratings slide. It’s not your fault that No Bias No Bull is slipping. It’s not like Campbell Brown had a stellar show before you took over. I like that you are playing music between the breaks. Some of your co-guests want to cut loose but their afraid to get caught 2 stepping on camera. Eventually Campbell will be back and mysteriously the ratings will be better. They will say that the problem was you and that the possibility of your own show is distant at best.

Roland, you should stick to your radio show and do a TV One special every now and then. CNN just doesn’t like you like that. They gave a comedian (with no journalism experience) his own show. I never had my own show and in elementary school I was the editor of my own newspaper. It turned out to be a gossip mag but I meant well. But I digress…..

CNN put The D.L. Hugely show on the weekend (No Surprise). And the rest is mystery oops…I mean history. Please someone tell me what’s up with CNN’s weekend “BLACKOUT”? Roland, get a back-up plan because I don’t trust it!!

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Can’t a man spend some time with his woman?

Why can’t a man take his woman out to see a play? Would the Republican National Committee like it better if he was riding horses on a ranch? Poor Michael Steele, he is too busy fighting for his job to take his wife out.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Blame a Random Negro Incorporated (B.A.R.N.)

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Excuse me white lady. Have you ever wanted to just get away? Have you ever wanted to escape your daily life but needed a reason why?

B. Sweeten: Yes!!!

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: It’s not unusual for you to want a break. You are a modern woman and you need your time off. And we are here to help you. Blame a Negro Incorporated, provides the story you need in order to get away. We promise to provide a story so believable even you will think it’s true. Our company gives you the excuse you need by letting you scapegoat a black man. You can say a black man car jacked you, or kidnapped you. We have an option where you can claim rape but that’s for our platinum customers.

B. Sweeten: I don’t need this service because I can blame a nig… myself.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Well you can but how has it been working for you?

B. Sweeten: Actually not good.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: I bet your story always unravels because you don’t know anything about black men. You can’t blame a black man for doing something devious with you and your child. Black men don’t steal babies, they make them….duh!

B. Sweeten: Wow, I didn’t know that.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Trick, there is a lot that you don’t know so let me continue. We give you a cover story that can’t be refuted. We give you an all purpose kit that involves the excuse (i.e. black man car jacked me) and we give you photos and DNA evidence of the car-jacker.

B. Sweeten: You have an actual person sitting around willing to take the blame for a car-jacking?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Woman, are you serious? What self respecting black man would want to be thrown in jail on a false charge? Lady, you really don’t know anything about black men.

B. Sweeten: My friend in high school use to date a black guy on the basketball team. I secretly wanted to see him naked because I heard that black men have tails. Is that true?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Woman you are crazy!!! Can we please continue?

B. Sweeten: Yes go ahead.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: We don’t have black men standing by ready for lock up. We actually use black men with criminal records. Black men that have 2, 3 felonies or maybe more. We have neighborhoods full of them to use. We just pick out one and that is who you will use. All you have to do is remember their face and use our written script. After the police and the media see his rap sheet he’s done. You can go on about your merry way. So would you like to become a member?

B. Sweeten: This really sounds good but what if my husband finds out.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: We are very careful when it comes to providing information. We can send the bill to your place of employment or your best friend’s house if you are a housewife.

B. Sweeten: What types of payment do you accept?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Anything but food stamps and WIC.

B. Sweeten: Let me fill out the paperwork. Summer is almost over and I want to go to Six Flags with my daughter.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: What about your husband?

B. Sweeten: Who?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Ha ha. I get it (wink) (wink).