Monday, June 01, 2009

Blame a Random Negro Incorporated (B.A.R.N.)

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Excuse me white lady. Have you ever wanted to just get away? Have you ever wanted to escape your daily life but needed a reason why?

B. Sweeten: Yes!!!

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: It’s not unusual for you to want a break. You are a modern woman and you need your time off. And we are here to help you. Blame a Negro Incorporated, provides the story you need in order to get away. We promise to provide a story so believable even you will think it’s true. Our company gives you the excuse you need by letting you scapegoat a black man. You can say a black man car jacked you, or kidnapped you. We have an option where you can claim rape but that’s for our platinum customers.

B. Sweeten: I don’t need this service because I can blame a nig… myself.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Well you can but how has it been working for you?

B. Sweeten: Actually not good.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: I bet your story always unravels because you don’t know anything about black men. You can’t blame a black man for doing something devious with you and your child. Black men don’t steal babies, they make them….duh!

B. Sweeten: Wow, I didn’t know that.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Trick, there is a lot that you don’t know so let me continue. We give you a cover story that can’t be refuted. We give you an all purpose kit that involves the excuse (i.e. black man car jacked me) and we give you photos and DNA evidence of the car-jacker.

B. Sweeten: You have an actual person sitting around willing to take the blame for a car-jacking?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Woman, are you serious? What self respecting black man would want to be thrown in jail on a false charge? Lady, you really don’t know anything about black men.

B. Sweeten: My friend in high school use to date a black guy on the basketball team. I secretly wanted to see him naked because I heard that black men have tails. Is that true?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Woman you are crazy!!! Can we please continue?

B. Sweeten: Yes go ahead.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: We don’t have black men standing by ready for lock up. We actually use black men with criminal records. Black men that have 2, 3 felonies or maybe more. We have neighborhoods full of them to use. We just pick out one and that is who you will use. All you have to do is remember their face and use our written script. After the police and the media see his rap sheet he’s done. You can go on about your merry way. So would you like to become a member?

B. Sweeten: This really sounds good but what if my husband finds out.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: We are very careful when it comes to providing information. We can send the bill to your place of employment or your best friend’s house if you are a housewife.

B. Sweeten: What types of payment do you accept?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Anything but food stamps and WIC.

B. Sweeten: Let me fill out the paperwork. Summer is almost over and I want to go to Six Flags with my daughter.

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: What about your husband?

B. Sweeten: Who?

B.A.R.N. Sales Rep: Ha ha. I get it (wink) (wink).


RiPPa said...

I almost spit out my coffee when I read the line where "rape" is reserved for platinum members.


Man this was great!

One question: is there a complimentary crack pipe and crack rocks or does this require an additional fee?

Citizen Ojo said...

Rippa - crack pipes and rocks are hard to come by but if you are a platinum member we can hook you up.

the uppity negro said...

Like seriously!!!

Ur so kinds of wrong for this one. ROTFLMAO!!

But, yeah, I mean this story line is starting to get tired. I had to re-read the original story more than once cuz I was like did she pull out her card to use this lame ass story and invoke the Missing White Woman Syndrome?

(yeah, it's real. check it out on wikipedia)

I mean, what about the Latinos?

Debo Blue said...

I just hope they beat her down every day she's locked up.