Crimes and Pissdemeanors (a public service announcement)

Now that Robert Sylvester Kelly (R Kelly) has skated oops... I mean acquitted on all 14 counts of soliciting a minor for child pornography. The Chicago Police Department has some serious work to do. There is a man that is running around Chicago urinating on under aged girls during sexual intercourse. The only description they have is from a grainy videotape, but they do have good leads. The individual in the tape looks very similar to Robert Sylvester Kelly the Pied Piper of Silky Sensual Seductive R&B. Because of this, they should be on the look out for any black male in the "Chi" that looks like they could have sung with Public Announcement or toured with Jay Z. That shouldn't be hard to find in a city the size of Chicago. I'm sure that this investigation will cover more ground than South Side Chicago. The Dragnet for this dastardly fiend should extend to Gary, Indiana just in case he tries to blend in with the locals. He has to know that the police will now focus all their efforts on catching him. I expect he will run, but like most inner city criminals, will eventually get caught at some sleazy motel around the corner from his grandma's house. I hope they lock this monster up and throw away the key.

It's a shame when young girls with stars in their eyes go to meet regular dudes pretending to be celebrities and get pee'd on. No telling what other look-alikes are out here right now waiting to take advantage of another unsuspecting girl. Sightings of look-alikes such as: Samuel L. Jackson peeing on a girl in Beverly Hills, Ludacris peeing on a girl in Bankhead, Al Roker peeing on a girl in Manhattan, Mike Tyson peeing on a girl in Thailand..... wait, my bad that was really Mike Tyson. When will the madness end? These indivduals have to be stopped by any means necessary. To all the people out here that have young daughters, sisters, nieces, or cousins listen up. When they tell you they are going out with a rapper/side-kick to the rapper/singer/actor/producer/DJ/Host of any Hip Hop T.V. Show make sure that it's legitimate. They might think they are going out on a date to Whataburger and the next thing they know they're getting super soaked.